God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Where is the hickey?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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