Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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