Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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