If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
