You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
