I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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