the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
