Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
