I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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