I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
