Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
