Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
