i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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