i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
These tits shall not be calmed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
