I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Randomize
