I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
