I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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