thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
