New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
