mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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