threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
