i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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