I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
