i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
