P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
