peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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