K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
