i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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