You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
