I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
