there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
