Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
