thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
