Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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