Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
