so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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