This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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