in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
