if i can run in heels then i can drive
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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