he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
