we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
