high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
how drunk are you?
Several
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
