Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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