my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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