Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
