There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize