You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
