Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
