Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
