My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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